How to hit your head on the refrigerator

Sunday May 21, 2006

The trick is to do it un-deliberately. The problem with deliberately hitting your head on the refrigerator is that you generally hesitate at the moment before you actually hit it, and the blow isn't quite worth being called a 'hit'. Plus, it can make you look stupid in front of your parents and/or your friends who shouldn't be in your kitchen watching you hit your door on your refrigerator in the first place. No, the way to do it is to fool your brain into thinking that the entire thing is accidental. That in itself is quite ironic - you have to be more intelligent than yourself to pull this off, which is quite impossible. But it works nevertheless.

So, here's how you do it.

Walk into the kitchen very casually. Whistle a very casual tune, if necessary.
Keep thinking thoughts of getting something from the refrigerator.
Get a glass of water from the tap and... drink it..
Walk up to the refrigerator with a expression that says "I need to get something from the refrigerator". Do, not however specify what exactly you need to get.
Open the top door. Skim around the items a bit, like you are searching for something in there. Rearrange some items at random, inconspicuously.
Now open the bottom door. Look around the place with great interest. There are bound to be some items that you'd like to put into your mouth. Contemplate it, but don't act on it.
Now let your eyes drift to the compartment where the cold, refreshing bottled water is kept.
Picture giant waterfalls, outputting millions of litres of untainted, freezing water every second and you standing under it. Owing to the glass of water you had before, and the mental imagery, you will most likely want to take a leak at this moment. In case you don't, keep thinking about the waterfall till you do.
At this very moment, tell yourself that you have the irrepressible urge to have a drink from the bottle with the cool, refreshing water.
The brain enters a blinding dilemma - One part of it is pro-leak, while the other is pro-drink. Your body now oscillates between both the things which you obviously can't do simultaneously, and eventually end up hitting your head on the refrigerator by accident. By accident, dammit.

You may question the purpose of going through with this entire affair. I do, too.

I didn't do it.